A tale of inefficiency - Part I

I'll post a follow-up to this pretty soon. I don't really know why I'm talking about this, except that it feels like the right thing to do, even more so since I read about how things are not necessarily any better elsewhere. I guess it just shows that there are lessons which society will never learn...

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I remember back when I was starting my master's... how ineffective we were. It seemed like every single step to counter-productivity was taken on the project I was on. Obviously, back then I was still all innocent and well-intentioned. I just thought that was how things were supposed to be.

And boy was I wrong. If that project had been a corporation, it would have crashed almost instantly. It was a resource and time sink, led by a very poor manager, which turned many students away from graduate studies.

Well, maybe that last part was for the best in some cases. But that's another topic entirely.

What I want to talk about right now is how hard it is for someone new to realize what is going on. At first I was doing everything I had to do. I had a few clear objectives I could meet rather easily. I was even starting to wonder why it was so easy, and why they weren't expecting more. The project had new blood in it, as the previous students graduated or had to leave (more on this later). It looked good. Grad school was the bomb.

That was before the meetings started.

Back from the holidays, we supposedly started to get back on track. That meant having group meetings every Monday, group presentations every other week, private meetings with the boss every Friday, a couple conferences to assist per month, and demos to run for the occasional visitor or potential new recruit.

Group meetings consisted of sitting down and listening to the boss talking about how much better people were at MIT and how they worked at least 38 hours a week.

Talk about a motivating speech.

Private meetings consisted of listening to the boss talking about how much the other students sucked, how bad our contact at the army was, and what new articles we had to read, to eventually write something similar because that's how you get published.

All-in-all, a complete waste of time.

I did not realize that right away though. I thought maybe I was just not proactive enough yet, so I didn't get the best out of these meetings. Wrong. These meetings were simply useless, no matter how hard we tried.

Yet, everyone else seemed to be super-productive.

Always hard-working, and never depressed. I was starting to question my own abilities. Maybe I wasn't good enough for that. Maybe these guys were much, much smarter than I was. I wanted to learn how they did it, while a part of me started to depress. I had never tasted failure in my academic life before, and this had a new and distinct aroma about it, something which just felt wrong.

A few people I talked with regularly and honestly probably remember that moment. I thank them wholeheartedly for their supposed too, they were right when they told me to believe in myself. Obviously, they couldn't cast away the doubts I had completly, but it was enough to keep me going. I was still trying to hide it from most people, as is a common but stupid reflex in most embarassing situations. I doubt it worked though.

That was also a point of record-low efficiency for me. It seemed like simply starting to work on something took days, even weeks. To top it, I had a bad chair, with a bad computer setup, and we were packed like lab rats in there.

I didn't realize it right away back then, but that was when I learned the most. I didn't learn about math, about optimisation, or about a new POMDP algorithm. I learned about actually doing something. About how hard it is when bureaucracy kicks you in the crotch everytime you try to jump over it. About how a bad manager can ruin an otherwise great team.

And most importantly, about how I never want to be in that situation again.

Some people never learn it, and learn to live with that sick feeling instead, which, like a broken heart, stops hurting after a while, but the regrets never go away. I was lucky enough to learn it right away, yet not wise enough to act on it just yet.

At that point I was really depressed and unproductive. My ego, shattered. Self-confidence? Absent. I'd have to settle for less...

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Just the usual 'sucks to be you!' will suffice, along with any potentially original comment. I'm not trying to be all emo or whatever kids call it these days. It's just that I wrote about 12 pages and this seemed like a good point to stop for the day!

Challenging the obvious

Sorry for missing my deadline, I won't let it happen again (hopefully). I do have something to say, but I didn't get into a writing mood up until now.

Usually, when I choke, it's with a random girl coming out of nowhere, and I really don't mind talking about it. At the very least, it should provide some entertainment, and I might learn a thing or two along the way. I also tell the story the way it happened (or at least the way I remember it). I might exaggerate the truth here and there, or attenuate some facts, but the core story is usually spot on. Nothing to hide here.

However, when it happens that someone reading this might communicate with the girl(s) in question, I end up leaving the post as a draft. The reason I do this is because I think that talking about it might end up screwing my chances. That seemed to be a pretty reasonable position, but in fact, I don't think that's the case anymore.

What could I write that would potentially hurt my chances?

It's certainly not the way I write. Aside from a few... exceptions, it's generally politically correct and I heard that my writing style is quite good. If anything, that's a plus.

The content is usually just a collection of facts, along with the way I see things. Still nothing to worry about here. I might shoot myself in the foot by talking about points and moves, but that's just a metaphor and if she doesn't like it, there's nothing magical I can do about it. Hiding my true self is not going to last forever anyway.

So, I really don't see why I should avoid talking about it. If it doesn't stab me in the back, then it means it's either a break-even scenario, or it could actually help me. And I can use all the help I can get ;)

With that said, I'll come back with some stories in the near future. Don't expect major chokages happening near the point of blueballing, but there's still something to talk about.

Vindication

I haven't choked or played much poker recently. I haven't written much either. In fact, I've been mostly getting back into the 'real world'. You know.. Get a job, wake up feeling like shooting yourself, make some money, get some experience. Just the usual way most people live their life. I have other plans, of course, but I guess this part can't be shrugged off completely.

Along the road, I got to read an incredibly excellent article written in 1986: 'No Silver Bullet'. For those of you not versed in the art of computer programming, reading this would be closer to boredom than awesomeness. However, for the few readers who can appreciate this, I'd expect you to be struck with awe as you realize how much truth there is in that paper. Yet, 20 years later, we still struggle with the wrong problems, and you are classed as an heretic if you hold too strongly to your beliefs. You, as I did, will probably find most of these beliefs written in exquisitely well-chosen words in these few pages. This should be common knowledge. It is truly saddening that our education system apparently forgot about stuff we already know.

I tried to write more dutifully, but I quickly realized that I was attacking the wrong problem. I like writing, so I shouldn't have to force myself to do it. My real problem was mostly a lack of decent material to write about. What's Pure Chokage without chokage? I'm currently in a situation which is not really favorable to chokage, but most importantly, I do not seek the usual comfort I once found in sharing my stories. It was frustrating at first, then it gradually got funnier, but now it just seems like it lost its charm. I guess I know too much about the game now. Just like Blackjack or any other form of gambling instantly loses its charm once you know how it works and that you cannot win in the long run [1].

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I can't win at the game, I'm only saying that it lost its aura of innocence to me. I can figure out on my own what I did right or wrong, which removes most of the incentive I had for sharing these stories in the first place.

I'll promise you something though. You can come here weekly and expect at least one new post from now on. You might not enjoy all of them, but at least you'll have new content to yell about, and a new place to drop a 'you suck' line every now and then!

[1] Poker is not a true form of gambling. It is a game of skill that involves short-term luck to entice bad players to keep playing.